What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:11
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot live in the past .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where do high school kids get weed from?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I said to her
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What do men find attractive in an older woman?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She wouldn,t have been !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?